For Goodness' Sake: Supporting Children & Teens in Discovering Life's Highest Values

by Michael Nitai Deranja

Chapter 2

Sharing Values with Children

This chapter presents many games, stories, and other activities useful in sharing values with children. Before jumping into the specifics of these activities, however, it is important to address the overriding issue of tone, or style of presentation. In western culture, unfortunately, values and morals are often viewed in the same light as castor oil and raw vegetables: good for you, but distasteful. Many of us carry memories of a solemn-faced authority figure lecturing us on the importance of being a “good” person, a term that often carried overtones of sadness and even martyrdom. The underlying message was that we should be kind, attentive, and honest even though we’d rather not. This kind of character training is usually pursued with grim resolution, often accompanied by a tendency to keep an eye out for an easier way of getting through life.

The alternative suggested here is based on the observation that positive values actually bring greater happiness and peace into our lives. People who cultivate positive qualities provide bright, attractive role models that are the best possible advertisements for personal growth. The best way to communicate this more cheerful perspective to children is through the language of play. Stories and games naturally convey the essential light-heartedness of qualities like peace, kindness, and trust. With a favorable disposition toward values, children are much more receptive to adult help in cultivating these qualities and in applying them to real-life situations.

The qualities in this chapter are arranged alphabetically, from Attention through Willingness. Suggestions for when and how to use the activities are offered in the following chart.

[The following are excerpts only. For the full set of qualities and activities, please refer to For Goodness' Sake.]

The Quality of Cooperation

Incident: Dog Food Derby
A group of my seventh and eighth graders experienced the “value” of cooperation in an immediate, tangible way. We had decided to go on a field trip, but needed to earn enough money to make the trip possible. We looked in the newspaper and found an ad for work at a local dog kennel. When we arrived, the owner showed us a huge pile of 30-pound sacks of dog food that needed to be moved across the parking lot into a large shed. He looked a little condescendingly at our group and said he would send two of his employees to help. My students plunged right in, forming a human chain and cheerfully swinging bags down the line. A little later two burly men came out as promised and started working with the kids. After half an hour the men were sweating, panting, and ready for a break. While the men rested, the children continued swinging bags of dog food, finishing the job in half the allotted time. The owner was duly impressed and rewarded their ability to cooperate with a cash bonus.

Activity: Heaven or Hell?
(Age range 7 – 17; Group size: 4 – 50; Level of use: established; Materials needed: two paper plates per child, a roll of masking tape, and one plate of treats for every four children)

Explain to the children that they will be involved in an experiment to determine the difference between heaven and hell. As part of the experiment they will be attending a dinner party that requires special clothes. With the aid of as many helpers as you can gather, tape the paper plates to the inside of the children’s elbows so they can’t bend their arms.

Have the children sit in groups of four and set one of the plates of treats in the middle of each group. Explain that the etiquette of the meal demands that they not bend their elbows or bring their mouths down to the plates, animal style. You can then lead a short blessing and invite the children to begin the meal. After a few minutes, collect the plates and ask if anyone can explain how the experiment shows the differences between heaven and hell. There is a good chance you will get some excellent answers. If the children need more help in understanding the purpose of the activity, you can tell them the following story.

Two groups of people were invited to a very special banquet with dishes filled with all the delicacies anyone could wish for. Just before the first people were led into the room, they were dressed in special dinner coats, quite elegant as the occasion demanded, but cut so that it was impossible to bend their elbows. They were then ushered into the dining hall. To their dismay they quickly discovered that their stiffened arms prevented them from bringing even a morsel to their mouths. Finding it impossible to eat any of the tantalizing food, they all left the room, sure that they had experienced an aspect of hell.

The second group was prepared in the same way as the first, dressed in the strange coats with the straight arms. These people too, were led into the banquet hall and were astonished at the grand display of food. They were seated and, like the first group, quickly realized that their stiffened arms would make it impossible to bring anything up to their mouths. However, rather than feeling downcast at their lot, they discovered that if they focused on feeding one another, they could eat as much as they wanted. At the end of the meal these people left the room, certain they had been given a glimpse of heaven.

The Quality of Trust

My fondest teaching memories are associated with students who demonstrated high levels of trust toward one another. These classes required a minimum of discipline because no one ever intentionally harmed anyone else. Sometimes this quality emanated from a particularly charismatic leader, but at other times it developed gradually through exercises like the ones that follow. Trust and its related quality of honesty provide the foundation for the other values in this book. Until they are established in your group, you will be working against an undercurrent of inharmony.

Activity: The Trust Circle
(Age range: 4 – 17; Group size: 1 – 35; Level of use: Introductory, No preparation)
• Divide the children into groups of six to eight.
• Have each group stand, facing one another in a tight circle with one child in the center. For safety’s sake, do this activity on a carpet or other soft surface.
• Ask the child in the center to close his or her eyes (blindfolds are another option) and stand perfectly straight, crossing the arms in front of the chest and locking all the joints except the ankles.
• Instruct another child to gently push the center child on the back or arms.
• The children on the opposite side of the circle catch the center child and gently send him or her back.

If the child in the center succeeds in locking the hips, knees, and shoulders, the feet will stay in one place while the rest of the body pivots around the circle, completely at the mercy of the other children. After a minute or so, have someone else take the center spot, continuing until everyone has had a turn.

Note for families and younger children. Instead of a group circle, simply stand directly behind the child. Ask him or her to close the eyes and lock the joints as in the group activity, and then let the child fall directly backward into your waiting arms. You can stand as close as is necessary for the first attempt and then move gradually apart as the trust level increases.